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Monday, September 21, 2009

Clever Word Play

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. At a bar: Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
31. Atheism the only non prophet organisation
32. When making whipped cream churn it a little longer, it's butter that way.
33. Chatting to this scarecrow the other day, turns out he's the top man in his field
34. An auction: a place where you get something for nodding

Friday, August 28, 2009

Can I get a hell yeah?

American designer Andrew Reeves, with Shane Blomberg and John Healy have developed a clip that, when attached to a soda bottle, gives the drinker the appearance of a mustachioed genius. Kind of like this pencil, these napkins, and the mustache stamp. Let’s just say that if you have one of these, you’ll probably get laid… a lot!

Monday, August 10, 2009

There really is no secret.

There really is no secret.
Hard work and discipline are what you need to succeed. This applies to everything. There really is no secret—or shortcut—that will get you around this. Get to it. Now.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Inmate Hides Gun In Fat Layers

HPD: Inmate Hides Gun In Fat Layers

By Elizabeth Scarborough

POSTED: Thursday, August 6, 2009
UPDATED: 8:06 am CDT August 6, 2009
A nearly 600-pound man was able to hide a weapon for more than a day while he was in custody, police told KPRC Local 2 Wednesday.
George Vera
"Obviously the system broke down," former Harris County Detention Major Mark Kellar said. "The procedures didn't work as they were designed to work."Houston police said George Vera, 25, was arrested Aug. 2 and taken to the city jail. He spent a day there before being transferred to the Harris County Jail. After being there for 14 hours, going through intake procedures, he was taken to the showers, the final step before going to his cell. There, Vera told police he had a 9mm handgun on him, along with 2 clips."If a person has a weapon, narcotics, anything of danger, it should have been found before he winds up in the county jail," said Kellar.Kellar said Vera should have been searched at least three times before getting to the jail.Vera weighs nearly 600 pounds and the gun was allegedly hidden between fat layers.Houston Police Officers Union President Gary Blankinship said cadets are trained how to search morbidly obese people."We teach officers to lift up and look under," Blankinship said. "The officer may not have arrested anyone this big before."Blankenship said that system clearly does not always work."They can be so big, basically short of strip searching or searching cavities, they could miss something like this," said Blankinship.The Houston Police Department and Harris County Sheriff's Office are doing internal investigations to figure out how this could have happened.Blankinship said they should also change the way officers are trained to search morbidly obese inmates, maybe adding hand-held metal detectors.Vera has been released from jail on bond.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

One, two, tree.

This is rock n roll?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Top 60 Ghetto Black Names Ever

For All You Ravers Who Don't Know How To Dance

Have you always wanted to rave, but never knew how to dance? This video is for you.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Everyday Normal Guy

Hip hop hoo-rah!

Key to my Heart

Finished painting this tonight. Owesome.

Neighbors Call Police On Black Farmer

Neighbours call police on black farmer

A farmer has had police call at his field three times in less than a week following reports from neighbours who thought he was stealing crops.

Zimbabwean David Mwanaka, who rents a field off Mountsorrel Lane, in Rothley, believes neighbours have reported him to police because they are "not used to seeing a black man working in the fields".

The 42-year-old, thought to be one of only two black farmers in Britain, was questioned by police officers for over 30 minutes on Saturday following a call reporting a suspected theft.

Officers questioned Mr Mwanaka before checking him and his van.

After another farmer stepped in to confirm his identity, they apologised and left.
However, Mr Mwanaka, who has been renting the field to grow maize for five years, was amazed when they returned on Monday, and then again on Wednesday.

He had not previously had a visit from police.

He said: "I was just picking the maize when I went to the edge of the field and saw three or four police cars and some officers walking towards me.

"They asked me what I was doing and I told them I was cropping my maize.

"It happened on Saturday, then on Monday, then again Wednesday. It was the same story – 'Who owns the land? What are you doing here?'.

"I had to explain again that I rent the land. They did the police checks again – it was the same process – and then they left. They were very nice and it was not a problem."

Mr Mwanaka, who travels from his home in Basildon, Essex, to tend to his crops four or five days a week, believes there will be more police visits to come.

He has lived in Britain since 1991, when he decided to start farming white maize, which he grew up eating in his home country.

Despite being told it would be difficult to produce in the English climate, Mr Mwanaka successfully grows the crop, plus pumpkins and sweet potatoes, across the country.

He won a contract to supply white sweetcorn to Sainsbury's stores in London last year.

The-father-of-three, who was working with his wife Brenda and a colleague when the police first turned up, said he did not believe the reports had been made maliciously.

He said: "I told the police if it happened again they should know it's me by now and not bother, but I'm just waiting for it to happen.

"Maybe it's because people have never seen a black man.

"I honestly don't blame anyone. They are probably just not used to seeing black people working in the fields here.

"They probably just assume I'm stealing, but they are wrong.

"It is a bit annoying because it's a waste of my time and their time.

"I've lived in this country for years and I've not had anything like this before.

"It is just ignorance. The police should realise, but they have all been nice to me."

A spokesman for Leicestershire police said it had to respond to every call made.

He said: "Police were called to land off Mountsorrel Lane, in Rothley, at 9.47am on Saturday, September 13 after a report of a suspected theft.

"Two further calls regarding suspicious activity on the land were received at 8.32am on Monday, September 15 and 8.30am on Wednesday.

"On all occasions, officers attended the scene and, after initial investigations, they were satisfied there were no suspicious circumstances."

Original artical

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Fast-Food Mafia

Ron "The Don" McDonald, Owesome.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Courses for Men and Women

Courses for Women

Taught by men, for women.

Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

Doing Housework Without Complaining

Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)

Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"

Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"

Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"

"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous

How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle

You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable

Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)

Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World

Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

Makeup: The Less is More Theory

Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.

Combating Stupidity

You Too Can Do Housework

P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money

Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM

Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")

Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception

Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

You – The Weaker Sex

Reasons To Give Flowers

How To Stay Awake After

Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom

Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

Real Men Ask For Directions

How To Take Illness Like a Man

BOOM! Energy Drink

Energy drinks are Owesome. Personally, I'm addicted to them. They're like batteries to me.

Careful What You Wish For

Everybody dreams of finding a golden lamp and being granted three wishes.

Boo! Bobby! Boo!

Children can be irritating at times, but Bobby is such a NIGHTMARE.

Bizzy the Bee

Sometimes all you can do is give it your best. Bizzy did.

Bye-bye Spot... and a hello to you.

Welcome to OWESOMENESS, the coolest, most bestest blog ever...ish. You'll find random cartoons, fun stuff and overall randomness. So, with that said, let's start this hello, with goodbye.