1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: â€˜Taint yours, and â€˜taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. At a bar: Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
31. Atheism the only non prophet organisation
32. When making whipped cream churn it a little longer, it's butter that way.
33. Chatting to this scarecrow the other day, turns out he's the top man in his field
34. An auction: a place where you get something for nodding
Monday, September 21, 2009
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
HPD: Inmate Hides Gun In Fat Layers
By Elizabeth Scarborough
Copyright 2009 by Click2Houston.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
A farmer has had police call at his field three times in less than a week following reports from neighbours who thought he was stealing crops.
Zimbabwean David Mwanaka, who rents a field off Mountsorrel Lane, in Rothley, believes neighbours have reported him to police because they are "not used to seeing a black man working in the fields".
The 42-year-old, thought to be one of only two black farmers in Britain, was questioned by police officers for over 30 minutes on Saturday following a call reporting a suspected theft.
Officers questioned Mr Mwanaka before checking him and his van.
After another farmer stepped in to confirm his identity, they apologised and left.
However, Mr Mwanaka, who has been renting the field to grow maize for five years, was amazed when they returned on Monday, and then again on Wednesday.
He had not previously had a visit from police.
He said: "I was just picking the maize when I went to the edge of the field and saw three or four police cars and some officers walking towards me.
"They asked me what I was doing and I told them I was cropping my maize.
"It happened on Saturday, then on Monday, then again Wednesday. It was the same story – 'Who owns the land? What are you doing here?'.
"I had to explain again that I rent the land. They did the police checks again – it was the same process – and then they left. They were very nice and it was not a problem."
Mr Mwanaka, who travels from his home in Basildon, Essex, to tend to his crops four or five days a week, believes there will be more police visits to come.
He has lived in Britain since 1991, when he decided to start farming white maize, which he grew up eating in his home country.
Despite being told it would be difficult to produce in the English climate, Mr Mwanaka successfully grows the crop, plus pumpkins and sweet potatoes, across the country.
He won a contract to supply white sweetcorn to Sainsbury's stores in London last year.
The-father-of-three, who was working with his wife Brenda and a colleague when the police first turned up, said he did not believe the reports had been made maliciously.
He said: "I told the police if it happened again they should know it's me by now and not bother, but I'm just waiting for it to happen.
"Maybe it's because people have never seen a black man.
"I honestly don't blame anyone. They are probably just not used to seeing black people working in the fields here.
"They probably just assume I'm stealing, but they are wrong.
"It is a bit annoying because it's a waste of my time and their time.
"I've lived in this country for years and I've not had anything like this before.
"It is just ignorance. The police should realise, but they have all been nice to me."
A spokesman for Leicestershire police said it had to respond to every call made.
He said: "Police were called to land off Mountsorrel Lane, in Rothley, at 9.47am on Saturday, September 13 after a report of a suspected theft.
"Two further calls regarding suspicious activity on the land were received at 8.32am on Monday, September 15 and 8.30am on Wednesday.
"On all occasions, officers attended the scene and, after initial investigations, they were satisfied there were no suspicious circumstances."
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Taught by men, for women.
Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
Doing Housework Without Complaining
Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)
Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)
Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
Makeup: The Less is More Theory
Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
Courses for Men
Taught by women, for men.
You Too Can Do Housework
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You – The Weaker Sex
Reasons To Give Flowers
How To Stay Awake After
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
Real Men Ask For Directions
How To Take Illness Like a Man